This is part 3 of a series on cheating. What causes it, how to eliminate or avoid it and what to do about it after it happens. If you missed part 1 or part 2 you can go back & get caught up. I’ll wait.

The worst crime against marriage has been committed. Either you cheated or you were cheated on. Trust has been broken, the feeling has changed and there is a looming question. Do I stay or do I go?

I am an advocate for a man and woman having a “healthy marriage” and keeping families together. So if your choice is to end the relationship I can only urge you to try to be civil and harmonious about it. Parting ways doesn’t have to be an all out battle of shock and awe.

But for those of you who really want to “work it out” there is a winding road ahead. While this won’t be all it takes to make it alright, here are some of the things you will need to consider to facilitate healing, recovery and a stronger bond with your significant other.

Consider the time

There is a bit of wisdom from the Quran that says: “Consider the Time.  Surely mankind is in loss.  Except those who believe and do good deeds and exhort one another to truth and exhort one another to patience.”  Its going to take time before “the incident(s)” is no longer on everyone’s mind.

You can’t control how long it takes & really you shouldn’t even try.  Healing is a process.  Sweeping the issue away by minimizing it is like covering a bleeding cut with Vaseline.  There is still something underneath that needs to be addressed.

Allow time to really get down to the facts about what happened and why.  Without making excuses for yourself or the other person.  See what emotions are present and then ask yourself what it takes for you to rise above the emotions and proceed with wisdom.  Rarely do things just snap back into place like a rubber band.  So be patient, be kind to one another, be truthful with yourself and each other and explore the real reason and purpose for your relationship.

The Road To Recovery

Earlier I mentioned a winding road.  There will be lots of twists and turns as you come to grips with what it all means for your marriage.  After infidelity its easy for the environment to become toxic.  Things that shouldn’t be said are and stuff that should be express gets buried within, which can literally make you sick.

Now I’m not necessarily a fan or advocate of “12-step” groups because I think the model is flawed.  But some kind of outside help is essential to you navigating through all the issues that will come up in the relationship.  Whether you talk with a qualified counselor or coach or even a support group, get input and points of view that will help you see what you’re missing.

Love is Stronger Than Pride

That’s one of my favorite songs by Sade.  The title really is about taking the High Road.  Regardless to how you feel about the situation in the moment or what the world says about it if your reason for being together is bigger than your own personal comfort (or complacency) level then put your story and feelings and pride aside and just be.

Be the best type of friend, partner, lover, spouse that you were destined to be.  First to yourself then for your significant other.  You can’t love someone else properly until you first love yourself.   Don’t try to become something you’re not.  Being authentic is the fertile ground for a healthy relationship.  But be real and know that whatever it is you’re looking to receive you have to be willing to give first.

Was this series helpful to you?  How would you or have you handled cheating?